excerpts #2

so how come things move on, how come cars don’t slow
~
and we swore on that night we’d be friends til we die
but the changing of winds, and the way waters flow
life as short as the falling of snow

I’ve never broken up with anyone. I’ve never been in a romantic relationship, so there’s never been a need to. You don’t break up with your friends, or so I’ve always thought.

I’ve had friendships end, of course. People drift apart, or switch schools, or move away, or stop getting along, or have a huge fight that destroys their relationship. I’m familiar enough with the ebbs and flows of friendships, the tides that bring them into my life and then sweep them away. But I’ve never felt quite the way I do now. It’s foreign and strange to me to end a good friendship. One that’s been solid and strong for several years. I didn’t realize that even some good friendships have their expiration dates. Is it normal to feel this way?

I draw comparisons to a romantic relationship because there’s nothing inherently wrong with this friendship; I’m just not satisfied anymore. I don’t feel like I’m drawing much from interacting and it seems that one person is growing and the other is not. Change can certainly alter friendships, but this is different. It’s as though the relationship has come full circle; I don’t feel like I need it anymore. I feel like it will only weigh me down in the future, as I head off to college and try to juggle and balance and enjoy the many facets of my new adult life. I feel ready to let go, ready to move on. To leave her and our friendship behind. Not because it’s bad, but because it’s no longer enhancing my life. There is no bitterness, no anger, no hard feelings on my part. I don’t dislike or resent her. I am simply ready to move forward, to have adventures and explore the world and try to be a more well-rounded person, while she is content to remain the same, to live in her sheltered bubble. I think change is challenging, yet we challenge ourselves by changing. By broadening our minds and perspectives and branching out. By trying new things and exploring new ideas. By leaving our bubbles of comfort and sameness. I don’t want to fault people for their choices, but I find it sad and stifling and boring to remain the same. To be around people who remain the same. Growth and change are part of what makes us human; they are two of the blessings of mortality. It’s a shame not to embrace them. To ignore them and let the possibilities and opportunities they bring pass you by.

I wonder whether she’s thinking about these things too, whether she feels the same way about our friendship or whether she’s upset at all or whether she’s entirely oblivious. Whether she resents me for changing, or whether she even notices. I wonder, but I won’t ask. I won’t end it, tell her it’s over. Because this isn’t a breakup; it’s a step forward.

Somehow, though, it feels like both.

xx. Until Next Time.

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End of an Era

FullSizeRenderTwo of my favorite people in the world finished high school today. Albeit, graduation isn’t for another week and a half, but today marked the end of an era. Never again will I meet my best friend after homeroom for an approximately seven minute chat. Never again will my other best friend meet us around three and a half minutes later to join in. Never will the latter and I walk together in the hallways after a shared class or close-together classrooms. Never will I see either of them at lunch or in the parking lot. It’s not that I’ll never see them again, not at all. It’s just that I met both of my best friends in high school. At school. We got to know each other and bonded over those walks between classes, exchanged sentences at lunch, and knowing glances in the hallways. Without our school, we wouldn’t have met or become the friends we are today. And so even though I know our friendships will continue on, it’s sad that they won’t live on within our high school, within our shared space. AM and PM will remain, but in a different way. There will be fewer small moments, fewer in-betweens when a story can be shared or an inside joke can be told or an understanding can be reached. Instead of having designated time given to us, we’ll have to make it.

For years, they have been my rocks.

The hallways will feel empty without them.