sad songs

“We met at the wrong time. That’s what I keep telling myself anyway. Maybe one day years from now, we’ll meet in a coffee shop in a far away city somewhere and we could give it another shot.”

I’m sat alone in Letna park, in a patch of shade overlooking the Old Town of Prague. The three Australian girls I met in my hostel room last night have just left me, and for the first time in over a week, I have a chance to think. To reflect, to write. And in a way, to grieve.

Last night, I saw a man in a suit hand over the lead of a black lab puppy to a haggard-looking woman who was clearly on drugs. He paid her 100 CZK in cash and she yanked the dog harshly, holding the leash tight and dragging it upwards by the neck, making it yelp. Watching it all sort of broke my heart, and I wanted to cry. 

Some people might say I’m a pessimist, and a lot of the time I’d agree with them. But deep down, when it comes to it, I’m a dreamer. A hopeless wanderer, with itchy feet and an open mind prone to fantasies. I love adventures, and the idea of romance, and I want it all, together. I used to want it abstractly and from a distance; it was more of a “someday” sort of dream than an active one. Until I got a little taste. Just a drop—three days. But it was enough.

Enough for me to want more, and to realize I probably won’t get it. Not this time, at least. It’s odd, because I’d never really worried about being clingy before I traveled. I’ve always been pretty good at separating my feelings, isolating the annoying or unnecessary in the presence of someone who might not reciprocate them. And I’ve had flings, and even hookups, during the last three months abroad. They’re fun, and they don’t last. We go our separate ways. We might stay friends on Facebook, or we might not remember any more about each other than a blurry face and a first name. That’s the unspoken rule of travel: you let go. Everyone’s here to meet people and see the world, not to stay or settle down or fall in love. Not in a way that lasts, at least. But somehow, despite knowing all of this, I sort of did.

I don’t wish it didn’t happen, not really. He’s a good, good guy. One of the best I’ve met. In fact, I can only think of one other guy I’ve known, back home, who comes across as pure and lovely as this one. My cynical British friend insists I’m naive about it, too hopeful and foolhardy. But I know. I’ve met good guys, I’ve met decent guys, bad guys as well. But only a few are… tender and pure. I don’t know how else to describe it. It’s more of a feeling, that they respect you, treat you like an equal. They might be more reserved with touch because they’re a bit shy and don’t want to overstep your boundaries. They’re sweet and can express their feelings but they don’t overload you with them. They feel lucky to be with you, but not because they’re insecure. I’m doing a shit job of trying to articulate it, but like I said, when I meet one of these guys, I know.

I feel fortunate, really. It was a beautiful thing for me, and I’ll always have the memories. But it still hurts. It feels like I lost something that I only barely managed to grasp as the time slipped away. Part of it is lust, of course; I’m not entirely immune to that feeling, or the knowledge that it’s a factor in all of this. But for me at least, there was an audible click. And the hard part is not knowing whether he heard it too. Or rather, whether it was loud enough to last. Like I said, I’ve never worried about being clingy, but expectations are different with travelers. Snapchatting or messaging a few times a day at home would be normal, but I’m suddenly worried it’s too much. That maybe I’m a bother. This is all internal fear; nothing he’s done has implied as much. In fact, I was pleasantly surprised when he messaged me that day, after we’d said goodbye. I left expecting it to be over, and was prepared to resign myself to it. I prefer to leave rather than be left, so perhaps I’m overanalyzing the signs, preparing for the worst and to be the first person to take that step if need be. It’s such a long shot for anything to come of it… And yet I want something to. That’s what makes me a dreamer, and that’s what makes it hurt. Because in some parallel world or storyline, something like this could happen, and does happen, for people. The knowledge that, if feelings and motivation were mutual, something grand could emerge from a simple travel fling makes the leaving hard sometimes. Painful even. Because they often aren’t or maybe they are but the two people don’t know that they both feel the same way. Want the same thing. We’re too scared to be honest, to make ourselves vulnerable, and who knows how many opportunities we miss out on because of those fears. I fear rejection, because rejection ruins the dream. And if you let it, taints the beautiful memories. 

I’ve never had a breakup before, never had my heart broken. Not in love, anyway. This is probably the closest thing to it I’ve felt, and I don’t quite understand why. Why him, why now. I wasn’t even looking for anything that night, had worn a loose dress and little makeup and thrown my hair in a bun because I was tired of going home with someone. Tired of missing out on dancing with my friends because I’d met a guy. It’s funny how you find what you’ve been looking for when you finally stop searching for it. And it’s sad because the beginning was almost the end for us; we were both about to move on. 

I could have stayed another night. Thought about it, but not really. I was going to stick with my new friends and see another town, because after all, that’s what I’m here for. Not boys, but places. And the people I meet along the way. But then he came the next day, and stayed up all night with me, long after our friends had gone to bed, because I had to catch an early bus and didn’t want to sleep and didn’t want to miss a moment of this goodbye. I can’t say how much I appreciated that. To sleep with someone—twice—without any sex. Without feeling like I owe something, or that someone expects it from me. Not to say I didn’t want to, because I did. But I think it means more to me this way. It’s more special, rare, and therefore treasured. 

It’s hard right now to imagine meeting another guy. Charlie Puth’s lyric “Does it feel, feel like you’re never gonna find nothing better?” comes to mind. I’ve only thought that before about one other guy, the only other good, good one that I’ve known. (Known and been interested in, I should say.) And even with him, it wasn’t to this extent. That adds to the sadness, because I can’t help but wonder about the “what if’s” and the “might be’s”. Will the feelings fade? They have to, if nothing comes of them, because people move on from real relationships and breakups all the time. They survive, and thrive, and fall in love again. At the moment, I don’t understand how, but I guess I’ll just have to trust the journey. Travel is crazy, and can make you crazy, I swear it. Yet I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything. 

After a week, I think that’s what I needed to say. To get it out of my system, or at least sort it out a bit in my head. Writing down my feelings helps me validate and understand them, and I’ve been in a bit of a limbo this last week having them bounce around with no sort of sense. This has been a stream-of-conscious post, which I love doing when I want to dump my thoughts and feelings onto paper (or in this case, the notes section of my phone) without worrying about making them sound orderly or pretty. Despite the fact that I’ll probably post this on my blog, it’s not for anyone else. If you can take something from it, all the better, but I wrote it for me, and I hope that if you’re reading it, you can understand and respect that. I’ve been pretty open and vulnerable, and I hope to God that doesn’t make me come across as fucking clingy. Or crazy. And that I can stop worrying about those words entirely. 

“So we’ll just let things take their course, and never be sorry.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald

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Harry Potter and the Cursed Child

29069989Title: Harry Potter and the Cursed Child by J.K. Rowling, John Tiffany, & Jack Thorne | Goodreads
Release Date: July 31, 2016
Publisher: Arthur A. Levine Books
Format: Hardcover
Source: Bought
Rating: 5 stars

It was always difficult being Harry Potter and it isn’t much easier now that he is an overworked employee of the Ministry of Magic, a husband, and father of three school-age children.

While Harry grapples with a past that refuses to stay where it belongs, his youngest son Albus must struggle with the weight of a family legacy he never wanted. As past and present fuse ominously, both father and son learn the uncomfortable truth: sometimes darkness comes from unexpected places.

A-M-A-Z-I-N-G.

The summary is all you need to know going into the story. Yes, there were some typos. Yes, there was a strange use of punctuation (which I attribute to The Cursed Child being a script rather than a novel).

But this book was freaking intense and wonderful. I LOVE Scorpius Malfoy. And I love that Harry and Draco worked together for their sons. Draco has obviously matured and endured more hardships in the nineteen years since his time at Hogwarts; I appreciated getting to understand his character better. And it’s so cool that Harry and Draco’s sons—the sons of arch nemeses—are best friends. The friendships in this story, both new and old, are amazing. The Cursed Child is a wonderful mix of past, beloved Harry Potter characters and new characters (or characters from the Deathly Hallows epilogue). I also learned through this book that I really hate time travel in the wizarding world. It is a total mind f**k.

Do not hesitate to devour this book. It is worth the hefty price tag, though you can get it for 40% off online here and here.

What did you think of Harry Potter and the Cursed Child?
Let me know in a comment below!

Thanks for reading.

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Mini Reviews | 2

I slacked a bit near the end of the school year with writing full reviews (and wrap-ups) of the books I’ve read. Rather than break my pledge to review every book I read this year, I figured I’d compromise and write mini reviews of the books I read in April and May, complete with my general thoughts on each. This post is the second of a two-part mini review series. You can view the first part here. Enjoy!

61kqENa2G0L._SL300_Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets by J.K. Rowling, narrated by Jim Dale | Audible (5/5 stars)
The Chamber of Secrets has always been my least favorite Harry Potter book, but obviously I still love it. Listening to it on audiobook was so much fun, as the story comes to life more than I would have thought possible with Jim Dale’s lovely narration. There’s not much more to say about it, but you can read my full review of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone here. I highly recommend checking out the HP audiobooks as they are relatively inexpensive via Audible and can make mundane tasks like driving or cleaning more enjoyable.

16000044Rebel Spring by Morgan Rhodes | Goodreads (3/5 stars)
Rebel Spring is the second installment to the Falling Kingdoms series. The series follows a cast of characters and perspectives and has been described as a “YA Game of Thrones.” While I do see some similarities, the writing in this series is definitely lower-level and the characters are often unlikeable. I found this sequel tedious and hard to get through until late in the book, where it picked up for me.

17342700Gathering Darkness by Morgan Rhodes | Goodreads (3.5/5 stars)
The third book in the Falling Kingdoms series, Gathering Darkness was pretty good. It’s my favorite of the series so far, as I found the characters more complex and interesting and the plot deeper and thickening. Morgan Rhodes loves to do plot twists and put her characters through the ringer, which I find entertaining and, thus, appreciate. I got into the romantic tension that builds in this novel and cannot wait to pick up the fourth installment, Frozen Tides, if only to find out what happens next. While I don’t think the Falling Kingdoms series is amazing, it has become addicting and definitely keeps the reader on his or her toes. I’d recommend checking it out if it interests you, or if you’re a younger reader looking to delve into young adult fantasy.

Thanks for reading.

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Mini Reviews | 1

 

I’ve slacked a bit over the last two months in writing full reviews (and wrap-ups) of the books I’ve read. Rather than break my pledge to review every book I read this year, I figured I’d compromise and write mini reviews of the books I read in April and May, complete with my general thoughts on each. This post will be the first of two. Enjoy!

Hamlet by William Shakespeare | Goodreads (3/5 stars)1589254My AP English class read Hamlet aloud this spring. I have to say, it isn’t one of my favorite Shakespeare plays. I’m unsure whether that’s because I didn’t like the content or because I disliked the manner in which we read it. I believe it’s more of the latter, because I found it hard to understand and don’t think I got as much out of the unit as I could have. Regardless, Hamlet is an exciting, yet frustrating, tale of murder, familial relations, court politics, conquest, and, most importantly, revenge.

Untitled-14The Slow Regard of Silent Things by Patrick Rothfuss | Goodreads (2.5/5 stars)
This was a weird one. Patrick Rothfuss admitted it would be in an open letter at the beginning of the book. The novella is set in the world of The Kingkiller Chronicle series and follows Auri over the course of seven days as she awaits Kvothe’s return (from where, we don’t know). Auri completes all sorts of odd tasks around the Underthing and readers get a glimpse into her fragile and childlike mind. I personally didn’t much enjoy this book and skimmed through quite a bit of it. There’s not really a plot, per say; rather, the story winds aimlessly as Auri does whatever it is that Auri does. I thought the writing was beautiful, but The Slow Regard of Silent Things was a snooze for me.

20443235The Winner’s Kiss by Marie Rutkoski | Goodreads (4.5/5 stars)
The Winner’s Kiss is the third and final installment in The Winner’s Trilogy. In it, we follow Kestrel and Arin’s separate struggles as they face war and imprisonment, then rejoice as they reunite to kick some emperor butt. I won’t say more on the plot because I don’t want to spoil the series for those who haven’t read it, but I found The Winner’s Kiss to be a very satisfying conclusion to the trilogy. I liked the first two books a bit more (I gave them both 5 stars, I believe) and found this installment to be a little less intense, but perhaps that’s because I read reviews beforehand and knew that everything would end well. Nevertheless, I really enjoyed watching Kestrel and Arin grow individually as well as together and I wish them a happily ever after.

Thanks for reading.

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The Wise Man’s Fear by Patrick Rothfuss

11510533Novel: The Wise Man’s Fear by Patrick Rothfuss | Goodreads
Release Date: March 1, 2011
Publisher: DAW (Penguin Group)
Format: Paperback
Source: Bought
Rating: 4.25 stars

In The Wise Man’s Fear, Kvothe searches for answers, attempting to uncover the truth about the mysterious Amyr, the Chandrian, and the death of his parents. Along the way, Kvothe is put on trial by the legendary Adem mercenaries, forced to reclaim the honor of his family, and travels into the Fae realm. There he meets Felurian, the faerie woman no man can resist, and who no man has ever survived…until Kvothe. Now, Kvothe takes his first steps on the path of the hero and learns how difficult life can be when a man becomes a legend in his own time.

Overall, I thought The Wise Man’s Fear was a good book. It’s a very long book, so a lot happened and Kvothe travels around much more than in The Name of the Wind. That being said, I preferred the first book to the second in The Kingkiller Chronicle.

I think pacing was the biggest issue for me in The Wise Man’s Fear. The book is nearly 1,000 numbered pages, so each part is at least 100 pages. It got tiresome and boring, and actually put me in a bit of a reading slump in April. It took me around two weeks to finish this book because I refused to read it on many occasions. Personally, I found the events in The Name of the Wind more interesting; in The Wise Man’s Fear, my favorite scenes were those at the university in the first 300 pages or so. I thought the sections with Felurian and the Adem were too long and dragged out, especially when nothing really happened. And we really got no resolution with Denna, which I’d been hoping to find after the first installment.

I am eagerly awaiting the third (and final) installment to The Kingkiller Chronicle, as I think it is a unique and interesting adult fantasy series. The books are well-written and Kvothe is an entertaining protagonist and narrator. Overall, my problems with the pacing in The Wise Man’s Fear did not detract enough from the story for me to give the book a lower rating. I highly recommend this series to hardcore fantasy lovers and those who wish to delve into adult fantasy. I doubt you’ll be disappointed.

Thanks for reading.

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