Z

Shadows spill across the room. Lit only by lamplight, I see my thick denim jacket strewn across my desk, lying next to a copy of Jack Kerouac’s On the Road. “You like the way that she moves, you wanna touch her –– you wanna fuck her.” Marc E. Bassy’s “Heroine” plays softly from my laptop speakers, but in the still silence of the night, it seems to blast. Is it normal to feel this much?

When I come home, I settle into a different sort of life. A different version of myself. It feels like I’m on break; I lounge around and sleep a lot and feel time slow down for awhile. Basically, I act like a household pet. Meanwhile, time flies by and soon enough it’ll be Sunday and I’ll have to leave for another month. I like my life in my college town now, unlike last fall, but it’s only when I come home that I realize how much I miss it. There’s nothing like family and your childhood home to bring you back to your roots. Then again, it’s nice that I’m stuck neither here nor there. I can go back and forth, to an extent, as I please.

I bought tickets to the Anne Frank House and Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam today. I reached out to travel friends I haven’t spoken to in awhile. I saw Gary for the first time in two and a half months. I learned Z broke his neck, and I feel awful. Part of me wants to reach out again, now that I know; another part of me wonders if maybe that would make me more of a burden than a supportive friend. Niall Horan’s “Mirrors” has broken and rebuilt my heart from scratch tonight. His whole album has just warmed me from the inside out and I can’t wait to see him perform live next September. I miss reading for fun, but even if I could right now, I don’t have the time.

My shadow’s dancing
Without you for the first time
My heart is hoping
You’ll walk right in tonight
Tell me there are things that you regret
‘Cause if I’m being honest I ain’t over you yet
{Niall Horan, “Too Much to Ask”}

I wonder what would have happened if I’d had the courage to be honest.

751707090435814070915

Advertisements

clean

life is tricky, baby. stay in your magic.

I just deleted a message thread and an alarm.

That’s a big deal for me. I don’t delete message threads. I purge them only when I’m upset with someone, or embarrassed by my ridiculously illiterate drunk texting. Or, when I’m done with a person. I finally came to the conclusion, consciously at least, that I think deep down I’ve known for awhile: we’re better as friends and it probably wasn’t going to work out. And I’m a good friend –– there’s not much I wouldn’t do for my friends, especially in times of need. So despite being left on read earlier this week, after sticking up for him to everyone and their mother who asked about it and convincing Mama to give him a second chance at work, I reached out. Checked in. I know if the situation were reversed, I’d appreciate the gesture of care. But I’m not the other person, and once again my efforts to show compassion and support were ignored. And honestly, it’s fine. Fine in the sense that it only reaffirms what I’d already decided. I hate being ignored more than almost anything, and being ghosted in this situation is utterly laughable, but not painful because I know my worth. And so do the people in my life who matter.

“honestly babe you’re awesome and you should never deal with someone who doesn’t validate or appreciate you. i’m so proud of you for saying what you mean and meaning what you say. you’re so incredibly strong and i can’t wait until you find someone who’s worth your time.”
–– my freaking best friend, who is also awesome and strong and so deserving of the love she’s found

I don’t regret anything I did. I lived my truth, made the choices I could live with most. I had to try, for his sake and mine. I felt like I owed it to him, because he’s a good person. But now I feel at peace: I’ve done enough. I’m not entirely sure why I’m typing this instead of writing it – maybe because a part of me wants to put it out there, what I did for him because I cared about him out of general human decency. Because he was a person going through a rough patch, not because I thought I might have liked him as more than that for a couple of weeks.

The drought was the very worst
When the flowers that we’d grown together died of thirst
It was months and months of back and forth
You’re still all over me like a wine-stained dress I can’t wear anymore
{Taylor Swift, “Clean”}

It hit me out of nowhere last night: “Clean” is my song. It describes so perfectly the withdrawals I have when I stop talking to someone, and how hard it is to let go and stay away, even when I know that’s what’s best for me. What can I say? I’m a sucker for pain and second chances.

The alarm. 05:20. I deleted it tonight, right after the messages. I don’t need it anymore. Instead, I have the memories to wrap around myself like a warm blanket on nights when I’m lonely, to remind myself that it was good, he was good, and that I don’t have to settle for anything less than that. It may not be him – probably won’t be – but it’ll be somebody. And for right now, that’s enough.

For the first time, I feel like I’m ready to try having a relationship with someone. I’ve tried a lot this year, and that just seems like the next step. It doesn’t have to be with the “right” person; I’m not looking for a lifetime commitment. Just someone to spend time with, to take on date functions so I don’t have to scramble for a set-up, and well… I am a physical creature after all. Aren’t we all? It’d be nice to not have to wonder where you’re getting it from every time you want it.

journal excerpts

“I’m 19, and I’ve lived and seen so little. It was liberating to realize what I want and to decide that I’m not going to settle for or seek anything less.”

“If you learned from it, it wasn’t a waste.”

“Sometimes I truly believe the old saying that comedy is tragedy plus time.”

“Adventure fills the soul.”

“I love my black-face watch. My rings. Chokers. Wearing them makes me feel like I’m presenting the best version of myself: confident, put together, free.”

“The world is calling, and I must go.”

“I want someone who will run wild right alongside me, rather than try to quell my free spirit or hope I’ll settle down. I want someone with a wild heart, one filled with wanderlust and an adventurous spirit. Someone who yearns for more, who is exciting and who lives life in a way that’s anything but dull. I want someone to do life with, someone who wants to explore and adventure and just fucking live as much as I do.”

“Let go…”

“Water makes the straw look bigger.” (Me stream of conscious journaling at work while staring at my Camelbak bottle.)


Baby girl got a pension for breaking her own heart
And she got this dangerous inclination
To turn to stone before her love tears her apart
{Marc E. Bassy, “Heroine”}

But every time you hurt me, the less that I cry
And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry
And every time you walk out, the less I love you
Baby, we don’t stand a chance, it’s sad but it’s true
I’m way too good at goodbyes
{Sam Smith, “Too Good at Goodbyes”}

I was scared, I wasn’t quite ready yet
Didn’t want to let my freedom get
Too far away so I would say anything
To keep you just close enough
Like I need a little space to breathe
A little time for me to think
I just need you to wait for me
But you weren’t waiting for me

To grow up, get my shit together
Stop giving you the runaround, running from forever
It’s too bad we happened when we did
‘Cause I’ve learned a lot about life since then
I can’t go back, girl I hate that
You fell in love with a kid trying to figure it out
‘Cause I’m man enough now
{Chris Bandi, “Man Enough Now”}

I’ve heard I’ve got words like a knife
That I don’t know how to choose just so wisely
But I see trees and their colored leaves
When I think about all that we could be
{Miley Cyrus, “I Would Die for You”}

Hey, baby, you’re a free girl now
{Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers, “Free Girl Now”}

She’s gonna listen to her heart
It’s gonna tell her what to do
She might need a lot of loving
But she don’t need you
{Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers, “Listen to Her Heart”}

Whiskey on ice, sunset and vine
You ruin my life by not being mine

You’re so gorgeous
I can’t say anything to your face
‘Cause look at your face
And I’m so furious
At you for making me feel this way
But what can I say?

Ocean blue eyes looking in mine
I feel like I might sink and drown and die

You make me so happy
It turns back to sad
There’s nothing I hate more
Than what I can’t have
{Taylor Swift, “Gorgeous”}

So I’ll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe
And I keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Hope it’s nice where you are
{Taylor Swift, “Last Kiss”}

Thankful thoughts of the day: It only cost me $1.28 to fix my car. My best friend from high school comes home tomorrow. I signed up for three free months of Apple Music tonight. I’m getting a haircut tomorrow and going to the Lightning game Saturday. Dinner was so good tonight. I love my mom.

751707090435814070915

 

happy list

90’s style
jean jackets
ripped denim
turtlenecks
fall weather
pumpkins
the changing of leaves
our phis finally being initiated
going home
finding a parking spot in the middle of the day
giving & receiving travel recommendations
taking the trip
Bon Iver
a clean room
surprise mail
care packages
my mom
seeing my dog
being referred to as a “special treasure” by my best friend’s boyfriend
the Tigger song
Spotify’s Ultimate Indie playlist
not getting left on read
open communication
quality time
swimming on a sunny afternoon
royal blue
long blonde hair
my roots
iced coffee
the word y’all
giving a good presentation
new blog design
candy corn
waffles & whipped cream
staying hydrated
messy buns
staying in touch
embracing an ending
possibilities
being able to remember without hurting
realizing what I’m looking for
smiling
because I know I’ll find it again.

751707090435814070915

rules & reminders

chase dreams, not people
catch flights, not feelings
never fall in love with someone’s potential
write for yourself instead of an audience
remember that you have love in your life, always
read poetry
have adventures
be honest, brave, kind
find what your heart and mind really need, and forget the rest
you are okay on your own; you are not alone
you’ll never leave where you are until you decide where you’d rather be
words are an art form, and art is a way of survival
stop fighting for those who aren’t worried about losing you
if a writer falls in love with you, you can never die
once you care, you’re fucked
feelings are a lot of work
when you feel it in your bones, move forward or move on
people go, but how they left always stays
our bodies are our business, no one else’s
everything you are looking for is already within you
you are made of stars
focus on the wrong things and the wrong things will become everything
move slowly, but move
treat people who are important to you like they’re important to you
within reason, put yourself first
help someone’s soul heal
you can’t control love
understanding yourself is power
loving yourself is freedom
forgiving yourself is peace
don’t justify or make excuses for assholes or idiots
if someone really wants to talk to you, they will
if they really want to be with you, they will
if the effort isn’t in it, step away
you deserve happiness
and to an extent, happiness is a choice
choose happy when you can
and when you can’t, you are still enough
choose your life wisely
so that in ten, twenty, fifty years, you can look back and say
“I didn’t settle.”

751707090435814070915

happy list | 7

A message from a dear friend:
“It’s okay to keep your feet on the ground for awhile. This is where friends, and the rain, and the harvest are. The sky will always be there when you’re ready to fly again.”
{One of the most poetic pieces of advice I’ve ever received. Thank you, Dillon.}

the happy list

steaming showers
clean sheets
freshly folded laundry
blankets
fuzzy socks
cozy nights in
Friends
friends who check up on you
oversized sweatshirts
online sales
wearing a guy’s clothes
nearly being caught up on work
uncontrollable laughing
someone telling me I pull off embarrassing myself with grace
scrolling through Tumblr to destress
new country tunes
Mumford & Sons’ Johannesburg EP
bitterness dissipating
directness
feeling less afraid
the recent grad who didn’t think I was crazy when I brought up dropping out
the law school student who’s going to make a dope documentary some day
checking things off my to-do list
out of the blue texts from a longtime friend
Jim Dale’s voice
walking through campus at night
roadtrips
brunch that turns into lunch
learning how to say no again
chicken nuggets
late night ice cream runs
my two precious littles
hockey season
beating the Caps in overtime
my fantasy league
talking to people at work instead of talking to people on the phone
good conversation
the giddy excitement girls have for each other when it comes to a boy
a light backpack
journaling
staying in touch with travel friends
remembering that there’s time
but not counting on it.

751707090435814070915