I finished my favorite book for what seems like the twelfth time last night. I brought it back to school with me after going home this weekend, not even realizing how badly I needed to re-read it. Every time I read it, I’m reminded that I’m strong and deserving of so much more than I sometimes settle for.

It’s been awhile since I’ve seen a sky this clear: the brightest shade of blue and not a cloud in sight.

I’d rather be hurt than hurt someone else, and I think that’s part of the problem.

I’m ready to focus on myself for awhile. To not give pieces of myself away too quickly or easily. To read, plan my trip, watch hockey, laugh with the people who matter.

The crispness in the unusually cool air reminds me what it feels like to be awake. I dread the day I’ll wake up and it’ll be in the eighties again, because I don’t want to forget what it means to be alive and thriving.

Cooler weather always reminds me of the wild. Pine trees on a mountainside. A rushing river; a still lake. And wolves, running –– always running.


“October is about trees revealing colors they’ve hidden all year. People have an October as well.”

“Please don’t expect me to always be good and kind and loving. There are times when I will be cold and thoughtless and hard to understand.” {Sylvia Plath}

“‘No’ might make them angry, but it will make you free.” {your freedom is more important than their anger}

“Real love doesn’t meet you at your best. It meets you in your mess.” {J.S. Park}


In your eyes there’s a heavy blue
One to love and one to lose
Sweet divide, a heavy truth
Water or wine, don’t make me choose
I wanna feel the way that we did that summer night
Drunk on a feeling, alone with the stars in the sky
I’ve been running through the jungle
I’ve been running with the wolves
To get to you, to get to you
I’ve been down the darkest alleys
Saw the dark side of the moon
To get to you, to get to you
I’ve looked for love in every stranger
Took too much to ease the anger
All for you, yeah all for you
{Selena Gomez & Marshmello, “Wolves”}

And I wonder why, wonder what for
Why we keep coming back for more
Is it just our bodies? Are we both losing our minds?
Is the only reason you’re holding me tonight
‘Cause we’re scared to be lonely?
Do we need somebody just to feel like we’re alright?
Is the only reason you’re holding me tonight
‘Cause we’re scared to be lonely?
{Martin Garrix & Dua Lipa, “Scared to be Lonely}

She’s out of her mind
And wraps herself around the truth
Yeah, she loves when everybody’s watching
She knows the way her body moves
She loves the way they all crawl back when she says
That she loves nobody else but you
She’s on the loose
{Niall Horan, “On the Loose”}

Everybody’s got somebody
I just wanna be alone
Well, I don’t need no one
Have too much fun
Out here on my own
I’ll drink ’til it’s empty
Stay out ’til it’s dead
I’ll wake up at midday
And marry my bed
I’ll kiss all the women
Get punched in the head
You could offer the world, baby
But I’ll take this instead, yeah
{Niall Horan, “On My Own”}

I’ve been hoping somebody loves you in the ways I couldn’t
Somebody’s taking care of all of the mess I’ve made
Someone you don’t have to change
I’ve been hoping
Someone will love you, let me go
{Hailee Steinfeld & Ales, “Let Me Go (feat. Florida Georgia Line & watt)”}

Just a young gun with a quick fuse
I was uptight, wanna let loose
I was dreaming of bigger things
And wanna leave my old life behind
Not a yes sir, not a follower
Fit the box, fit the mold
Have a seat in the foyer, take a number
I was lightning before the thunder
They say you’re basic, they say you’re easy
{Imagine Dragons, “Thunder”}

Loosen up and lose your mind
You never know what you could find on the other side
Oh oh, I’m dreaming up a world with you
Oh oh, and all the things that we could do
Loosen up and lose your mind
You never know what you could find on the other side
All of the things that made you feel better
You should take a pen and write it down and make it feel better
All of the things that made you feel better
You should write it all down and put it in a letter
{The Barr Brothers, “You Would Have to Lose Your Mind”}

Yeah, I’d rather be a lover than a fighter
‘Cause all my life, I’ve been fighting
Love only left me alone
But I’m at one with the silence
I found peace in your violence
Can’t tell me there’s no point in trying
I’m at one, and I’ve been quiet for too long
I think too much, and I hate it
Loving never gave me a home, so I’ll sit here in the silence
{Marshmello, “Silence (feat. Khalid)”}


excerpts #2

so how come things move on, how come cars don’t slow
and we swore on that night we’d be friends til we die
but the changing of winds, and the way waters flow
life as short as the falling of snow

I’ve never broken up with anyone. I’ve never been in a romantic relationship, so there’s never been a need to. You don’t break up with your friends, or so I’ve always thought.

I’ve had friendships end, of course. People drift apart, or switch schools, or move away, or stop getting along, or have a huge fight that destroys their relationship. I’m familiar enough with the ebbs and flows of friendships, the tides that bring them into my life and then sweep them away. But I’ve never felt quite the way I do now. It’s foreign and strange to me to end a good friendship. One that’s been solid and strong for several years. I didn’t realize that even some good friendships have their expiration dates. Is it normal to feel this way?

I draw comparisons to a romantic relationship because there’s nothing inherently wrong with this friendship; I’m just not satisfied anymore. I don’t feel like I’m drawing much from interacting and it seems that one person is growing and the other is not. Change can certainly alter friendships, but this is different. It’s as though the relationship has come full circle; I don’t feel like I need it anymore. I feel like it will only weigh me down in the future, as I head off to college and try to juggle and balance and enjoy the many facets of my new adult life. I feel ready to let go, ready to move on. To leave her and our friendship behind. Not because it’s bad, but because it’s no longer enhancing my life. There is no bitterness, no anger, no hard feelings on my part. I don’t dislike or resent her. I am simply ready to move forward, to have adventures and explore the world and try to be a more well-rounded person, while she is content to remain the same, to live in her sheltered bubble. I think change is challenging, yet we challenge ourselves by changing. By broadening our minds and perspectives and branching out. By trying new things and exploring new ideas. By leaving our bubbles of comfort and sameness. I don’t want to fault people for their choices, but I find it sad and stifling and boring to remain the same. To be around people who remain the same. Growth and change are part of what makes us human; they are two of the blessings of mortality. It’s a shame not to embrace them. To ignore them and let the possibilities and opportunities they bring pass you by.

I wonder whether she’s thinking about these things too, whether she feels the same way about our friendship or whether she’s upset at all or whether she’s entirely oblivious. Whether she resents me for changing, or whether she even notices. I wonder, but I won’t ask. I won’t end it, tell her it’s over. Because this isn’t a breakup; it’s a step forward.

Somehow, though, it feels like both.

xx. Until Next Time.


excerpts #1

A cardboard box of make believe
Empty pockets full of dreams
And you are everything I need

Do you ever feel too small, too constricted, too inside your own body to contain everything you feel? Lately, I’ve been feeling so much. So many emotions, longings, dreams, all built up inside of me until I feel as though I’m about to burst. There’s no release either, because I can’t just jump on a plane and take off somewhere. I can’t drive and drive to an unknown destination just for the heck of it. I can’t not go to college, put off four more years of school and testing, rules and expectations, just to get out there. To see the world, to explore, to have adventures. I love to learn, I really do, but I’ve felt stifled lately and although I don’t affirmatively not want to go to college, I don’t completely want to go, either. The trouble is, I think, that I could do all these things. I’m eighteen now and adulthood brings about many more legal liberties. But this sense of liberation has bound me in an unexpected way, because part of me wants to be young and reckless, yet I just can’t do it. I can’t turn my back on the expectations, on the sense of duty, on my planning for the future. I can’t make my parents worry, or miss exams, or… Anything.

I have the AP Statistics exam tomorrow and I can’t remember ever feeling less prepared for an exam in my life. I am the queen of preparation, of overthinking, of double-checking everything and then double-checking it all again. But the truth is, statistics is an incredibly dull subject for me, I don’t know what to study, and I don’t want to be prepared enough to force myself to do it. Perhaps that’s where the root of my anxiety lies this time around: not in the possibility of failing, but in worrying about why I don’t care so much about it and knowing that I probably should. Care more, that is.

Back to feeling though. I go back and forth like a pendulum between two extremes, between feeling so much that it hurts and not feeling much at all. I used to be really sensitive to the world, to its pain and injustices. I remember going to a pet store as a young child and seeing a group of crayfish attacking a little pink fish in one of the tanks. They ripped its feathery fins apart and I begged my mom to help it, to let me help it, to tell the manager to keep the creatures separated. I remember crying on a pink beanbag later that night and asking to visit the pet store again, just so I could make sure that little pink fish was okay.

Yet I could be incredibly cruel, as well. A few years later, I had a purple beta fish named Lilac. I had wanted a pet so badly when I was younger and my dad finally caved and won me a fish at a golf tournament. I took care of Lilac for over a year. Until she (or he, we never really knew) stopped eating regularly. And I, the curious, cruel, beastly little thing I was, decided to stop feeding my fish altogether. Because I wanted to see how long it would take. For my pet. To die.

I hate myself for that. That I could be so… Disgustingly sadistic. So unfeeling. That story reminds me of Victor Frankenstein, and I don’t tell it often. Yes, Lilac was on her way out. She was losing coloration, she was old, and she wasn’t eating much. But to withhold sustenance from a creature, especially one so entirely at my mercy… It was awful. And I felt absolutely horrific when, about a week or two later, Lilac really did die.

Overall though, with a few glaring exceptions, I felt a lot when I was younger. I felt a lot until high school, when, in many ways, I decided to stop feeling. I used to pour everything I had into my friendships and it hurt so much when I finally, finally realized that my friends just didn’t care. They either didn’t notice the sacrifices I made, the kindnesses I did for them, or they’d become so accustomed to them that they meant little to nothing. But what killed me the most was that I needed kindness, needed someone to check in on me and ask how I was doing. And my friends weren’t there.

Fortunately, I have really good friends now. Ones who, to be completely honest, I probably don’t deserve. Friends who, unlike my old friend group, are better friends to me than I am to them. And I love them for it, for bearing with me, as I try to work myself out and find a balance between giving everything and giving nothing at all. Regardless of my friends, however, I definitely have trust issues. Especially with males.

xx. Until Next Time.