never thought we’d have a last kiss
never imagined we’d end like this
I’ve spent the last few hours sobbing, mostly on the floor of my closet, though intermittently on my bed while my mom hugged me tight. Staring at nothing, trying to wrap my head around it. It’s been two months since I’ve written here, and that just goes to show how busy and, more importantly, happy I’ve been. I didn’t expect things to end like this, not here and now, not when we were in a good place and only four months in. Not when I loved him, and he loved me. I think I had more faith in him than he has in himself, and maybe that was the problem. It sucks, to be so happy and have it all come crashing down on me.
Did this happen because of the conversation we had that final night, about distant futures and what we saw in them? Was it because I didn’t want to leave? Was it because he did?
My mom says he’ll come crawling back and my best friend says he’s selfish, and they both may be right. He overthinks everything and has this fantasy in his mind of what his life should be like right now and apparently I don’t fit into it. He’s indecisive and he comes and goes like the rain and I can’t think of a single sacrifice he’s made for me other than staying when part of him didn’t want to. But even that, he said, was ultimately the right decision. Until now. He had everything. I gave him everything I had and he changed his mind. And we both cried.
What does his word mean, if anything? He said he never wanted to hurt me but tonight he broke my heart. Not because anything was wrong with us, but because something’s wrong with him. He shattered everything for a whim, a gut instinct. And I appreciate his honesty and his tears but they don’t change the fact that he broke his promise or that I was stupid to believe it in the first place. I don’t want to be angry; I’m mostly sad and gutted, but a part of me is furious that he would throw this away, throw me away, for whatever the fuck a “period of exploration” is. It’s been four fucking months and he already misses being single? Except he’s not even a guy who sleeps around in the first place? He tried to soften the blow by telling me he sees us going forward and never stopping, but that just makes the loss burn and blister even more. It kills me that he’s willing to waste this beautiful opportunity we’ve been given to do life for a little while with someone who’s such a good fit for the other because he wants to see what, or rather, who else is out there. Because he’s scared to “settle down” with me without having seen it. The problem is, I’ve made no promises to either settle down with him or be waiting to once he’s grown up.
so I’ll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
and I’ll feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe
That paragraph was the anger. Then comes the shame, of finally telling my family about him, of posting about him, of thinking maybe this was it, that I’d gotten lucky for once and that maybe this could last. What has he told his parents, his grandparents, his friends, all of whom I just met when I went down to visit? How can he confidently introduce me as his girlfriend one day and dump me a week later?
It’s nearly midnight and I’m exhausted from all the saltwater flowing down my face. Three times now, I’ve endured this. Maybe this is the final breaking point, because I’m done holding on for dear life and fighting for him with all I have. It isn’t fair, but neither is life. Maybe he’ll mature and figure himself out in the next few weeks or months and maybe when he does I’ll be ready. But maybe neither of those ifs will align or maybe I should wait for someone who can love and appreciate me enough to stay.
It’s absolutely heartbreaking, not being enough.