withdrawals

They say mental illness isn’t a disability, but what about the hollow feeling I get when I haven’t taken my meds in a week? The shakes and the headaches, the electric shock sensations and “brain shivers” that give me a sense of vertigo, making me wonder if I’ve been drugged when really it’s the absence of drugs that leaves me only half able to function. Every movement feels like an out of body experience, like I’m on autopilot but the steering system is broken, and I can’t help but notice the tremor in my hands and thank God it’s not for a more sinister substance as I desperately twist the bottle cap open and swallow.

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heaving

out of control. stomach pressing against my ribs, pushing through my skin as i speed walk to the empty bathroom; everyone’s at the game. elbows on the plastic toilet seat, knees pressed against the cold tile floor. toothbrush jutting back until it hurts, until i heave and my guts spill over the bowl, tears streaming down my face. release and a rushing sense of control in a life that feels anything but. my best friend asks me why i do it and i reply that i don’t know – it’s not exactly a lie. maybe i’m fucked up or maybe i need to feel something; maybe i’m out of control and this and exercise are the only ways to feel right. how did it all change so quickly, revert back to eighth grade in a matter of moments this summer when it all became too much and i became not enough?