a week

from yesterday

what a difference a week makes.

it’s so nice to finally feel like i can write again. i know it’s only been a week, but that week seemed to drag on for an eternity and there were some low points when i wondered whether i would ever be able to write about what’s happened, or move on from it. i say move on because i’m not sure anyone really gets over something like this. i’d like to forgive him, someday, and i know i’m far from ready to do that right now but i don’t want to hold onto this or hold it against him forever, regardless of whether our lifelines cross again. keeping that goal in mind helps to dull the anger when it arises, knowing that i’m allowed to feel it right now but that i won’t always. 

i haven’t slept all week and this morning when i needed to pack, the exhaustion hit me like a truck. still, i managed to fill my 60 liter backpack to about the 45 liter mark, leaving plenty of room for anything i buy along the way or to keep it as a carry on. i bought a sweatshirt in the toronto airport and it’s soft and red and fuzzy – at least i’ll be cozy in the hours ahead. already, i feel like this trip is making a world of difference in my mood and mindset. travel opens your mind and reminds you how big the world is, how many people and possibilities and paths there are out there for you to meet and take. it makes me hopeful. 

i’ve been drawn to color lately. maybe it’s the sunshine, or maybe it’s because my moods are so dark. either way, i packed a surprising amount of color for this trip, especially compared to my usual travel wardrobe. there’s a lot of gray in there too but hey, that’s life isn’t it? 

my psychologist asked me yesterday what my experience with loss and grief is. looking back on my life so far, i’m really lucky not to have lost many loved ones – my dog is still alive, the two significant deaths I’ve dealt with were due to terminal illnesses and thus not surprising (though still sad), and the third was when i was too young to really understand or appreciate loss. i’ve had frustrations romantically, but only one that i considered heartbreak at the time and it was very different from this one. i was infatuated, i was devastated that it literally couldn’t work out, that we couldn’t give it a chance because of real logistical reasons. losing someone i actually love, because he suddenly decided he didn’t want to be with me, has been another level of devastation. i didn’t just lose the potential of something good, i actually lost something. someone. 

how did he talk himself out of love?

– tell me so i can do the same.

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little lion man

Weep for yourself, my man,
You’ll never be what is in your heart
Weep, little lion man,
You’re not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rake yourself
Take all the courage you have left
And waste it on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head

maybe i fell too hard. but how could i have known? he acts now like he never wanted our relationship, going so far as saying he doesn’t know whether he loved me. it hurts, even though i think he’s lying to himself. there are many things in life you can postpone, but love isn’t one of them. and there’s not much you can do to stop yourself from falling in love with someone who seems right for you and makes you think it’s safe to trust them with your body. your mind.

your heart.

But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn’t I, my dear?

yes. yes you did.

selfish

I didn’t write this but I wish I did. 

i will tell you about selfish people. even when they know they will hurt you they walk into your life to taste you because you are the type of being they don’t want to miss out on. you are too much shine to not be felt. so when they have gotten a good look at everything you have to offer. when they have taken your skin your hair your secrets with them. when they realize how real this is. how much of a storm you are and it hits them.

that is when the cowardice sets in. that is when the person you thought they were is replaced by the sad reality of what they are. that is when they lose every fighting bone in their body and leave after saying you will find better than me.

you will stand there naked with half of them still hidden somewhere inside you and sob. asking them why they did it. why they forced you to love them when they had no intention of loving you back and they’ll say something along the lines of i just had to try. i had to give it a chance. it was you after all.

but that isn’t romantic. it isn’t sweet. the idea that they were so engulfed by your existence they had to risk breaking it for the sake of knowing they weren’t the one missing out. your existence meant that little next to their curiosity of you.

that is the thing about selfish people. they gamble entire beings. entire souls to please their own. one second they are holding you like the world in their lap and the next they have belittled you to a mere picture. a moment. something of the past. one second. they swallow you up and whisper they want to spend the rest of their life with you. but the moment they sense fear. they are already halfway out the door. without having the nerve to let you go with grace. as if the human heart means that little to them.

and after all this. after all of the taking. the nerve. isn’t it sad and funny how people have more guts these days to undress you with their fingers than they do to pick up the phone and call. apologize. for the loss. and this is how you lose her.

– thank you to my queen, rupi kaur, for this piece and many more