what a difference a week makes.
it’s so nice to finally feel like i can write again. i know it’s only been a week, but that week seemed to drag on for an eternity and there were some low points when i wondered whether i would ever be able to write about what’s happened, or move on from it. i say move on because i’m not sure anyone really gets over something like this. i’d like to forgive him, someday, and i know i’m far from ready to do that right now but i don’t want to hold onto this or hold it against him forever, regardless of whether our lifelines cross again. keeping that goal in mind helps to dull the anger when it arises, knowing that i’m allowed to feel it right now but that i won’t always.
i haven’t slept all week and this morning when i needed to pack, the exhaustion hit me like a truck. still, i managed to fill my 60 liter backpack to about the 45 liter mark, leaving plenty of room for anything i buy along the way or to keep it as a carry on. i bought a sweatshirt in the toronto airport and it’s soft and red and fuzzy – at least i’ll be cozy in the hours ahead. already, i feel like this trip is making a world of difference in my mood and mindset. travel opens your mind and reminds you how big the world is, how many people and possibilities and paths there are out there for you to meet and take. it makes me hopeful.
i’ve been drawn to color lately. maybe it’s the sunshine, or maybe it’s because my moods are so dark. either way, i packed a surprising amount of color for this trip, especially compared to my usual travel wardrobe. there’s a lot of gray in there too but hey, that’s life isn’t it?
my psychologist asked me yesterday what my experience with loss and grief is. looking back on my life so far, i’m really lucky not to have lost many loved ones – my dog is still alive, the two significant deaths I’ve dealt with were due to terminal illnesses and thus not surprising (though still sad), and the third was when i was too young to really understand or appreciate loss. i’ve had frustrations romantically, but only one that i considered heartbreak at the time and it was very different from this one. i was infatuated, i was devastated that it literally couldn’t work out, that we couldn’t give it a chance because of real logistical reasons. losing someone i actually love, because he suddenly decided he didn’t want to be with me, has been another level of devastation. i didn’t just lose the potential of something good, i actually lost something. someone.
how did he talk himself out of love?
– tell me so i can do the same.