clean

life is tricky, baby. stay in your magic.

I just deleted a message thread and an alarm.

That’s a big deal for me. I don’t delete message threads. I purge them only when I’m upset with someone, or embarrassed by my ridiculously illiterate drunk texting. Or, when I’m done with a person. I finally came to the conclusion, consciously at least, that I think deep down I’ve known for awhile: we’re better as friends and it probably wasn’t going to work out. And I’m a good friend –– there’s not much I wouldn’t do for my friends, especially in times of need. So despite being left on read earlier this week, after sticking up for him to everyone and their mother who asked about it and convincing Mama to give him a second chance at work, I reached out. Checked in. I know if the situation were reversed, I’d appreciate the gesture of care. But I’m not the other person, and once again my efforts to show compassion and support were ignored. And honestly, it’s fine. Fine in the sense that it only reaffirms what I’d already decided. I hate being ignored more than almost anything, and being ghosted in this situation is utterly laughable, but not painful because I know my worth. And so do the people in my life who matter.

“honestly babe you’re awesome and you should never deal with someone who doesn’t validate or appreciate you. i’m so proud of you for saying what you mean and meaning what you say. you’re so incredibly strong and i can’t wait until you find someone who’s worth your time.”
–– my freaking best friend, who is also awesome and strong and so deserving of the love she’s found

I don’t regret anything I did. I lived my truth, made the choices I could live with most. I had to try, for his sake and mine. I felt like I owed it to him, because he’s a good person. But now I feel at peace: I’ve done enough. I’m not entirely sure why I’m typing this instead of writing it – maybe because a part of me wants to put it out there, what I did for him because I cared about him out of general human decency. Because he was a person going through a rough patch, not because I thought I might have liked him as more than that for a couple of weeks.

The drought was the very worst
When the flowers that we’d grown together died of thirst
It was months and months of back and forth
You’re still all over me like a wine-stained dress I can’t wear anymore
{Taylor Swift, “Clean”}

It hit me out of nowhere last night: “Clean” is my song. It describes so perfectly the withdrawals I have when I stop talking to someone, and how hard it is to let go and stay away, even when I know that’s what’s best for me. What can I say? I’m a sucker for pain and second chances.

The alarm. 05:20. I deleted it tonight, right after the messages. I don’t need it anymore. Instead, I have the memories to wrap around myself like a warm blanket on nights when I’m lonely, to remind myself that it was good, he was good, and that I don’t have to settle for anything less than that. It may not be him – probably won’t be – but it’ll be somebody. And for right now, that’s enough.

For the first time, I feel like I’m ready to try having a relationship with someone. I’ve tried a lot this year, and that just seems like the next step. It doesn’t have to be with the “right” person; I’m not looking for a lifetime commitment. Just someone to spend time with, to take on date functions so I don’t have to scramble for a set-up, and well… I am a physical creature after all. Aren’t we all? It’d be nice to not have to wonder where you’re getting it from every time you want it.

journal excerpts

“I’m 19, and I’ve lived and seen so little. It was liberating to realize what I want and to decide that I’m not going to settle for or seek anything less.”

“If you learned from it, it wasn’t a waste.”

“Sometimes I truly believe the old saying that comedy is tragedy plus time.”

“Adventure fills the soul.”

“I love my black-face watch. My rings. Chokers. Wearing them makes me feel like I’m presenting the best version of myself: confident, put together, free.”

“The world is calling, and I must go.”

“I want someone who will run wild right alongside me, rather than try to quell my free spirit or hope I’ll settle down. I want someone with a wild heart, one filled with wanderlust and an adventurous spirit. Someone who yearns for more, who is exciting and who lives life in a way that’s anything but dull. I want someone to do life with, someone who wants to explore and adventure and just fucking live as much as I do.”

“Let go…”

“Water makes the straw look bigger.” (Me stream of conscious journaling at work while staring at my Camelbak bottle.)


Baby girl got a pension for breaking her own heart
And she got this dangerous inclination
To turn to stone before her love tears her apart
{Marc E. Bassy, “Heroine”}

But every time you hurt me, the less that I cry
And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry
And every time you walk out, the less I love you
Baby, we don’t stand a chance, it’s sad but it’s true
I’m way too good at goodbyes

{Sam Smith, “Too Good at Goodbyes”}

I was scared, I wasn’t quite ready yet
Didn’t want to let my freedom get
Too far away so I would say anything
To keep you just close enough
Like I need a little space to breathe
A little time for me to think
I just need you to wait for me
But you weren’t waiting for me

To grow up, get my shit together
Stop giving you the runaround, running from forever
It’s too bad we happened when we did
‘Cause I’ve learned a lot about life since then
I can’t go back, girl I hate that
You fell in love with a kid trying to figure it out
‘Cause I’m man enough now
{Chris Bandi, “Man Enough Now”}

I’ve heard I’ve got words like a knife
That I don’t know how to choose just so wisely
But I see trees and their colored leaves
When I think about all that we could be
{Miley Cyrus, “I Would Die for You”}

Hey, baby, you’re a free girl now
{Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers, “Free Girl Now”}

She’s gonna listen to her heart
It’s gonna tell her what to do
She might need a lot of loving
But she don’t need you
{Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers, “Listen to Her Heart”}

Whiskey on ice, sunset and vine
You ruin my life by not being mine

You’re so gorgeous
I can’t say anything to your face
‘Cause look at your face
And I’m so furious
At you for making me feel this way
But what can I say?

Ocean blue eyes looking in mine
I feel like I might sink and drown and die

You make me so happy
It turns back to sad
There’s nothing I hate more
Than what I can’t have
{Taylor Swift, “Gorgeous”}

So I’ll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe
And I keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Hope it’s nice where you are
{Taylor Swift, “Last Kiss”}

Thankful thoughts of the day: It only cost me $1.28 to fix my car. My best friend from high school comes home tomorrow. I signed up for three free months of Apple Music tonight. I’m getting a haircut tomorrow and going to the Lightning game Saturday. Dinner was so good tonight. I love my mom.

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