thoughts of the day

I’ve been having strange dreams lately. Vivid dreams that make sense, that feel real the next morning, only the scenarios that my sleeping mind spins would never actually happen. Like a summer fling and I crossing paths again over spray tans, or my mom hating me because we don’t talk as much, or me deciding an hour before my flight that I’m going on the trip.

Speaking of trips, I want to go on mine. I’ve been unsure the last couple of months because my health hasn’t been great and I thought I might need winter break to get some much needed R&R. Now that I’m getting better, however, I’m back to wanting a grand adventure. Unfortunately, I don’t feel comfortable with where I am financially to take this trip. I want to backpack all of next summer and that’s a bigger priority for me than going away this winter, and with my sorority big/little and taking twins and spending an absolutely horrifying amount of my money on food (it’s actually gotten ridiculous), I think I messed up. Messed up either by booking this trip on an angsty whim, or by not budgeting properly for it this fall (even though I’m literally working two jobs to try and stay afloat). It’s sad, and it’s frustrating, but I kind of saw this coming. I foresaw this potential even when I booked my flight, so I suppose I sort of did it to myself by being in such a hurry to get away.

I need to leave for class in ten minutes. I have an exam Friday and currently have a C in a 2000-level classics course. I’ve never had a C in a class before. C is for concussed. The schedule of courses for spring is out and I’m not really interested in any of them. I love college for the people and experiences, but I can count on one hand the number of classes I feel have been worthwhile. It’s frustrating, having to take and pay for classes that don’t interest me or are just plain dumb, simply so I can keep my scholarship and stay in school. I’m not saying a degree is worthless; I just believe I grew a lot more by being out in the world doing, rather than sitting in a classroom “learning.” I talked to a young woman on the phone at work last week who’s been living as a nomad since graduating in 2016. She told me that the idea of dropping out isn’t necessarily a bad one. I’m not planning to, but it is a fantasy of mine.

Sometimes I worry that I’m settling, or rather settling in.

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