truth

“Wanna know the fucking truth? Nobody is fucking happy. Nobody has skin made from oil paint and sunlight. Nobody fucking understands this world. Fuck, nobody probably understands math as much as they claim. You’re here one day and the next you’re not. God? Religion? I’ve learned a lot more about the world by eating acid and swallowing pills. Tell me what your church has done for you. Tell me if you have holes in your mouth from speaking lies. Wanna know the fucking truth? Pity is just another word for pathetic. Drink beer and watch the sunrise from every rooftop. Take photographs naked. Take photographs kissing. Take photographs having sex. Stop making everything about sexuality. Wanna know the fucking truth? Nobody really gives a damn if you lost your virginity at fourteen or if you were the president in high school. Wanna know the fucking truth? There is no such thing as the right person. People leave. They change like ocean currents, they leave you with bruises in your calves. And you wanna know the fucking truth? You get better. You learn to love. You find God in between the cracks of a wall when you’re puking your limbs out. You wanna know the fucking truth? Go find it.”

–– a rather callous Tumblr post; its strength hit me nonetheless

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wolves

Excerpts

I finished my favorite book for what seems like the twelfth time last night. I brought it back to school with me after going home this weekend, not even realizing how badly I needed to re-read it. Every time I read it, I’m reminded that I’m strong and deserving of so much more than I sometimes settle for.

It’s been awhile since I’ve seen a sky this clear: the brightest shade of blue and not a cloud in sight.

I’d rather be hurt than hurt someone else, and I think that’s part of the problem.

I’m ready to focus on myself for awhile. To not give pieces of myself away too quickly or easily. To read, plan my trip, watch hockey, laugh with the people who matter.

The crispness in the unusually cool air reminds me what it feels like to be awake. I dread the day I’ll wake up and it’ll be in the eighties again, because I don’t want to forget what it means to be alive and thriving.

Cooler weather always reminds me of the wild. Pine trees on a mountainside. A rushing river; a still lake. And wolves, running –– always running.

Quotes

“October is about trees revealing colors they’ve hidden all year. People have an October as well.”

“Please don’t expect me to always be good and kind and loving. There are times when I will be cold and thoughtless and hard to understand.” {Sylvia Plath}

“‘No’ might make them angry, but it will make you free.” {your freedom is more important than their anger}

“Real love doesn’t meet you at your best. It meets you in your mess.” {J.S. Park}

Lyrics

In your eyes there’s a heavy blue
One to love and one to lose
Sweet divide, a heavy truth
Water or wine, don’t make me choose
I wanna feel the way that we did that summer night
Drunk on a feeling, alone with the stars in the sky
//
I’ve been running through the jungle
I’ve been running with the wolves
To get to you, to get to you
I’ve been down the darkest alleys
Saw the dark side of the moon
To get to you, to get to you
I’ve looked for love in every stranger
Took too much to ease the anger
All for you, yeah all for you
{Selena Gomez & Marshmello, “Wolves”}

And I wonder why, wonder what for
Why we keep coming back for more
//
Is it just our bodies? Are we both losing our minds?
Is the only reason you’re holding me tonight
‘Cause we’re scared to be lonely?
Do we need somebody just to feel like we’re alright?
Is the only reason you’re holding me tonight
‘Cause we’re scared to be lonely?
{Martin Garrix & Dua Lipa, “Scared to be Lonely}

She’s out of her mind
And wraps herself around the truth
//
Yeah, she loves when everybody’s watching
She knows the way her body moves
She loves the way they all crawl back when she says
That she loves nobody else but you
She’s on the loose
{Niall Horan, “On the Loose”}

Everybody’s got somebody
I just wanna be alone
Well, I don’t need no one
Have too much fun
Out here on my own
//
I’ll drink ’til it’s empty
Stay out ’til it’s dead
I’ll wake up at midday
And marry my bed
I’ll kiss all the women
Get punched in the head
You could offer the world, baby
But I’ll take this instead, yeah
{Niall Horan, “On My Own”}

I’ve been hoping somebody loves you in the ways I couldn’t
Somebody’s taking care of all of the mess I’ve made
Someone you don’t have to change
I’ve been hoping
Someone will love you, let me go
{Hailee Steinfeld & Ales, “Let Me Go (feat. Florida Georgia Line & watt)”}

Just a young gun with a quick fuse
I was uptight, wanna let loose
I was dreaming of bigger things
And wanna leave my old life behind
Not a yes sir, not a follower
Fit the box, fit the mold
Have a seat in the foyer, take a number
I was lightning before the thunder
//
They say you’re basic, they say you’re easy
{Imagine Dragons, “Thunder”}

Loosen up and lose your mind
You never know what you could find on the other side
Oh oh, I’m dreaming up a world with you
Oh oh, and all the things that we could do
//
Loosen up and lose your mind
You never know what you could find on the other side
All of the things that made you feel better
You should take a pen and write it down and make it feel better
All of the things that made you feel better
You should write it all down and put it in a letter
{The Barr Brothers, “You Would Have to Lose Your Mind”}

Yeah, I’d rather be a lover than a fighter
‘Cause all my life, I’ve been fighting
Love only left me alone
But I’m at one with the silence
//
I found peace in your violence
Can’t tell me there’s no point in trying
I’m at one, and I’ve been quiet for too long
//
I think too much, and I hate it
Loving never gave me a home, so I’ll sit here in the silence
{Marshmello, “Silence (feat. Khalid)”}

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Z

Shadows spill across the room. Lit only by lamplight, I see my thick denim jacket strewn across my desk, lying next to a copy of Jack Kerouac’s On the Road. “You like the way that she moves, you wanna touch her –– you wanna fuck her.” Marc E. Bassy’s “Heroine” plays softly from my laptop speakers, but in the still silence of the night, it seems to blast. Is it normal to feel this much?

When I come home, I settle into a different sort of life. A different version of myself. It feels like I’m on break; I lounge around and sleep a lot and feel time slow down for awhile. Basically, I act like a household pet. Meanwhile, time flies by and soon enough it’ll be Sunday and I’ll have to leave for another month. I like my life in my college town now, unlike last fall, but it’s only when I come home that I realize how much I miss it. There’s nothing like family and your childhood home to bring you back to your roots. Then again, it’s nice that I’m stuck neither here nor there. I can go back and forth, to an extent, as I please.

I bought tickets to the Anne Frank House and Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam today. I reached out to travel friends I haven’t spoken to in awhile. I saw Gary for the first time in two and a half months. I learned Z broke his neck, and I feel awful. Part of me wants to reach out again, now that I know; another part of me wonders if maybe that would make me more of a burden than a supportive friend. Niall Horan’s “Mirrors” has broken and rebuilt my heart from scratch tonight. His whole album has just warmed me from the inside out and I can’t wait to see him perform live next September. I miss reading for fun, but even if I could right now, I don’t have the time.

My shadow’s dancing
Without you for the first time
My heart is hoping
You’ll walk right in tonight
Tell me there are things that you regret
‘Cause if I’m being honest I ain’t over you yet
{Niall Horan, “Too Much to Ask”}

I wonder what would have happened if I’d had the courage to be honest.

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clean

life is tricky, baby. stay in your magic.

I just deleted a message thread and an alarm.

That’s a big deal for me. I don’t delete message threads. I purge them only when I’m upset with someone, or embarrassed by my ridiculously illiterate drunk texting. Or, when I’m done with a person. I finally came to the conclusion, consciously at least, that I think deep down I’ve known for awhile: we’re better as friends and it probably wasn’t going to work out. And I’m a good friend –– there’s not much I wouldn’t do for my friends, especially in times of need. So despite being left on read earlier this week, after sticking up for him to everyone and their mother who asked about it and convincing Mama to give him a second chance at work, I reached out. Checked in. I know if the situation were reversed, I’d appreciate the gesture of care. But I’m not the other person, and once again my efforts to show compassion and support were ignored. And honestly, it’s fine. Fine in the sense that it only reaffirms what I’d already decided. I hate being ignored more than almost anything, and being ghosted in this situation is utterly laughable, but not painful because I know my worth. And so do the people in my life who matter.

“honestly babe you’re awesome and you should never deal with someone who doesn’t validate or appreciate you. i’m so proud of you for saying what you mean and meaning what you say. you’re so incredibly strong and i can’t wait until you find someone who’s worth your time.”
–– my freaking best friend, who is also awesome and strong and so deserving of the love she’s found

I don’t regret anything I did. I lived my truth, made the choices I could live with most. I had to try, for his sake and mine. I felt like I owed it to him, because he’s a good person. But now I feel at peace: I’ve done enough. I’m not entirely sure why I’m typing this instead of writing it – maybe because a part of me wants to put it out there, what I did for him because I cared about him out of general human decency. Because he was a person going through a rough patch, not because I thought I might have liked him as more than that for a couple of weeks.

The drought was the very worst
When the flowers that we’d grown together died of thirst
It was months and months of back and forth
You’re still all over me like a wine-stained dress I can’t wear anymore
{Taylor Swift, “Clean”}

It hit me out of nowhere last night: “Clean” is my song. It describes so perfectly the withdrawals I have when I stop talking to someone, and how hard it is to let go and stay away, even when I know that’s what’s best for me. What can I say? I’m a sucker for pain and second chances.

The alarm. 05:20. I deleted it tonight, right after the messages. I don’t need it anymore. Instead, I have the memories to wrap around myself like a warm blanket on nights when I’m lonely, to remind myself that it was good, he was good, and that I don’t have to settle for anything less than that. It may not be him – probably won’t be – but it’ll be somebody. And for right now, that’s enough.

For the first time, I feel like I’m ready to try having a relationship with someone. I’ve tried a lot this year, and that just seems like the next step. It doesn’t have to be with the “right” person; I’m not looking for a lifetime commitment. Just someone to spend time with, to take on date functions so I don’t have to scramble for a set-up, and well… I am a physical creature after all. Aren’t we all? It’d be nice to not have to wonder where you’re getting it from every time you want it.

journal excerpts

“I’m 19, and I’ve lived and seen so little. It was liberating to realize what I want and to decide that I’m not going to settle for or seek anything less.”

“If you learned from it, it wasn’t a waste.”

“Sometimes I truly believe the old saying that comedy is tragedy plus time.”

“Adventure fills the soul.”

“I love my black-face watch. My rings. Chokers. Wearing them makes me feel like I’m presenting the best version of myself: confident, put together, free.”

“The world is calling, and I must go.”

“I want someone who will run wild right alongside me, rather than try to quell my free spirit or hope I’ll settle down. I want someone with a wild heart, one filled with wanderlust and an adventurous spirit. Someone who yearns for more, who is exciting and who lives life in a way that’s anything but dull. I want someone to do life with, someone who wants to explore and adventure and just fucking live as much as I do.”

“Let go…”

“Water makes the straw look bigger.” (Me stream of conscious journaling at work while staring at my Camelbak bottle.)


Baby girl got a pension for breaking her own heart
And she got this dangerous inclination
To turn to stone before her love tears her apart
{Marc E. Bassy, “Heroine”}

But every time you hurt me, the less that I cry
And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry
And every time you walk out, the less I love you
Baby, we don’t stand a chance, it’s sad but it’s true
I’m way too good at goodbyes

{Sam Smith, “Too Good at Goodbyes”}

I was scared, I wasn’t quite ready yet
Didn’t want to let my freedom get
Too far away so I would say anything
To keep you just close enough
Like I need a little space to breathe
A little time for me to think
I just need you to wait for me
But you weren’t waiting for me

To grow up, get my shit together
Stop giving you the runaround, running from forever
It’s too bad we happened when we did
‘Cause I’ve learned a lot about life since then
I can’t go back, girl I hate that
You fell in love with a kid trying to figure it out
‘Cause I’m man enough now
{Chris Bandi, “Man Enough Now”}

I’ve heard I’ve got words like a knife
That I don’t know how to choose just so wisely
But I see trees and their colored leaves
When I think about all that we could be
{Miley Cyrus, “I Would Die for You”}

Hey, baby, you’re a free girl now
{Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers, “Free Girl Now”}

She’s gonna listen to her heart
It’s gonna tell her what to do
She might need a lot of loving
But she don’t need you
{Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers, “Listen to Her Heart”}

Whiskey on ice, sunset and vine
You ruin my life by not being mine

You’re so gorgeous
I can’t say anything to your face
‘Cause look at your face
And I’m so furious
At you for making me feel this way
But what can I say?

Ocean blue eyes looking in mine
I feel like I might sink and drown and die

You make me so happy
It turns back to sad
There’s nothing I hate more
Than what I can’t have
{Taylor Swift, “Gorgeous”}

So I’ll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe
And I keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Hope it’s nice where you are
{Taylor Swift, “Last Kiss”}

Thankful thoughts of the day: It only cost me $1.28 to fix my car. My best friend from high school comes home tomorrow. I signed up for three free months of Apple Music tonight. I’m getting a haircut tomorrow and going to the Lightning game Saturday. Dinner was so good tonight. I love my mom.

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happy list

90’s style
jean jackets
ripped denim
turtlenecks
fall weather
pumpkins
the changing of leaves
our phis finally being initiated
going home
finding a parking spot in the middle of the day
giving & receiving travel recommendations
taking the trip
Bon Iver
a clean room
surprise mail
care packages
my mom
seeing my dog
being referred to as a “special treasure” by my best friend’s boyfriend
the Tigger song
Spotify’s Ultimate Indie playlist
not getting left on read
open communication
quality time
swimming on a sunny afternoon
royal blue
long blonde hair
my roots
iced coffee
the word y’all
giving a good presentation
new blog design
candy corn
waffles & whipped cream
staying hydrated
messy buns
staying in touch
embracing an ending
possibilities
being able to remember without hurting
realizing what I’m looking for
smiling
because I know I’ll find it again.

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