truth

“Wanna know the fucking truth? Nobody is fucking happy. Nobody has skin made from oil paint and sunlight. Nobody fucking understands this world. Fuck, nobody probably understands math as much as they claim. You’re here one day and the next you’re not. God? Religion? I’ve learned a lot more about the world by eating acid and swallowing pills. Tell me what your church has done for you. Tell me if you have holes in your mouth from speaking lies. Wanna know the fucking truth? Pity is just another word for pathetic. Drink beer and watch the sunrise from every rooftop. Take photographs naked. Take photographs kissing. Take photographs having sex. Stop making everything about sexuality. Wanna know the fucking truth? Nobody really gives a damn if you lost your virginity at fourteen or if you were the president in high school. Wanna know the fucking truth? There is no such thing as the right person. People leave. They change like ocean currents, they leave you with bruises in your calves. And you wanna know the fucking truth? You get better. You learn to love. You find God in between the cracks of a wall when you’re puking your limbs out. You wanna know the fucking truth? Go find it.”

–– a rather callous Tumblr post; its strength hit me nonetheless

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wolves

Excerpts

I finished my favorite book for what seems like the twelfth time last night. I brought it back to school with me after going home this weekend, not even realizing how badly I needed to re-read it. Every time I read it, I’m reminded that I’m strong and deserving of so much more than I sometimes settle for.

It’s been awhile since I’ve seen a sky this clear: the brightest shade of blue and not a cloud in sight.

I’d rather be hurt than hurt someone else, and I think that’s part of the problem.

I’m ready to focus on myself for awhile. To not give pieces of myself away too quickly or easily. To read, plan my trip, watch hockey, laugh with the people who matter.

The crispness in the unusually cool air reminds me what it feels like to be awake. I dread the day I’ll wake up and it’ll be in the eighties again, because I don’t want to forget what it means to be alive and thriving.

Cooler weather always reminds me of the wild. Pine trees on a mountainside. A rushing river; a still lake. And wolves, running –– always running.

Quotes

“October is about trees revealing colors they’ve hidden all year. People have an October as well.”

“Please don’t expect me to always be good and kind and loving. There are times when I will be cold and thoughtless and hard to understand.” {Sylvia Plath}

“‘No’ might make them angry, but it will make you free.” {your freedom is more important than their anger}

“Real love doesn’t meet you at your best. It meets you in your mess.” {J.S. Park}

Lyrics

In your eyes there’s a heavy blue
One to love and one to lose
Sweet divide, a heavy truth
Water or wine, don’t make me choose
I wanna feel the way that we did that summer night
Drunk on a feeling, alone with the stars in the sky
//
I’ve been running through the jungle
I’ve been running with the wolves
To get to you, to get to you
I’ve been down the darkest alleys
Saw the dark side of the moon
To get to you, to get to you
I’ve looked for love in every stranger
Took too much to ease the anger
All for you, yeah all for you
{Selena Gomez & Marshmello, “Wolves”}

And I wonder why, wonder what for
Why we keep coming back for more
//
Is it just our bodies? Are we both losing our minds?
Is the only reason you’re holding me tonight
‘Cause we’re scared to be lonely?
Do we need somebody just to feel like we’re alright?
Is the only reason you’re holding me tonight
‘Cause we’re scared to be lonely?
{Martin Garrix & Dua Lipa, “Scared to be Lonely}

She’s out of her mind
And wraps herself around the truth
//
Yeah, she loves when everybody’s watching
She knows the way her body moves
She loves the way they all crawl back when she says
That she loves nobody else but you
She’s on the loose
{Niall Horan, “On the Loose”}

Everybody’s got somebody
I just wanna be alone
Well, I don’t need no one
Have too much fun
Out here on my own
//
I’ll drink ’til it’s empty
Stay out ’til it’s dead
I’ll wake up at midday
And marry my bed
I’ll kiss all the women
Get punched in the head
You could offer the world, baby
But I’ll take this instead, yeah
{Niall Horan, “On My Own”}

I’ve been hoping somebody loves you in the ways I couldn’t
Somebody’s taking care of all of the mess I’ve made
Someone you don’t have to change
I’ve been hoping
Someone will love you, let me go
{Hailee Steinfeld & Ales, “Let Me Go (feat. Florida Georgia Line & watt)”}

Just a young gun with a quick fuse
I was uptight, wanna let loose
I was dreaming of bigger things
And wanna leave my old life behind
Not a yes sir, not a follower
Fit the box, fit the mold
Have a seat in the foyer, take a number
I was lightning before the thunder
//
They say you’re basic, they say you’re easy
{Imagine Dragons, “Thunder”}

Loosen up and lose your mind
You never know what you could find on the other side
Oh oh, I’m dreaming up a world with you
Oh oh, and all the things that we could do
//
Loosen up and lose your mind
You never know what you could find on the other side
All of the things that made you feel better
You should take a pen and write it down and make it feel better
All of the things that made you feel better
You should write it all down and put it in a letter
{The Barr Brothers, “You Would Have to Lose Your Mind”}

Yeah, I’d rather be a lover than a fighter
‘Cause all my life, I’ve been fighting
Love only left me alone
But I’m at one with the silence
//
I found peace in your violence
Can’t tell me there’s no point in trying
I’m at one, and I’ve been quiet for too long
//
I think too much, and I hate it
Loving never gave me a home, so I’ll sit here in the silence
{Marshmello, “Silence (feat. Khalid)”}

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Z

Shadows spill across the room. Lit only by lamplight, I see my thick denim jacket strewn across my desk, lying next to a copy of Jack Kerouac’s On the Road. “You like the way that she moves, you wanna touch her –– you wanna fuck her.” Marc E. Bassy’s “Heroine” plays softly from my laptop speakers, but in the still silence of the night, it seems to blast. Is it normal to feel this much?

When I come home, I settle into a different sort of life. A different version of myself. It feels like I’m on break; I lounge around and sleep a lot and feel time slow down for awhile. Basically, I act like a household pet. Meanwhile, time flies by and soon enough it’ll be Sunday and I’ll have to leave for another month. I like my life in my college town now, unlike last fall, but it’s only when I come home that I realize how much I miss it. There’s nothing like family and your childhood home to bring you back to your roots. Then again, it’s nice that I’m stuck neither here nor there. I can go back and forth, to an extent, as I please.

I bought tickets to the Anne Frank House and Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam today. I reached out to travel friends I haven’t spoken to in awhile. I saw Gary for the first time in two and a half months. I learned Z broke his neck, and I feel awful. Part of me wants to reach out again, now that I know; another part of me wonders if maybe that would make me more of a burden than a supportive friend. Niall Horan’s “Mirrors” has broken and rebuilt my heart from scratch tonight. His whole album has just warmed me from the inside out and I can’t wait to see him perform live next September. I miss reading for fun, but even if I could right now, I don’t have the time.

My shadow’s dancing
Without you for the first time
My heart is hoping
You’ll walk right in tonight
Tell me there are things that you regret
‘Cause if I’m being honest I ain’t over you yet
{Niall Horan, “Too Much to Ask”}

I wonder what would have happened if I’d had the courage to be honest.

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happy list

90’s style
jean jackets
ripped denim
turtlenecks
fall weather
pumpkins
the changing of leaves
our phis finally being initiated
going home
finding a parking spot in the middle of the day
giving & receiving travel recommendations
taking the trip
Bon Iver
a clean room
surprise mail
care packages
my mom
seeing my dog
being referred to as a “special treasure” by my best friend’s boyfriend
the Tigger song
Spotify’s Ultimate Indie playlist
not getting left on read
open communication
quality time
swimming on a sunny afternoon
royal blue
long blonde hair
my roots
iced coffee
the word y’all
giving a good presentation
new blog design
candy corn
waffles & whipped cream
staying hydrated
messy buns
staying in touch
embracing an ending
possibilities
being able to remember without hurting
realizing what I’m looking for
smiling
because I know I’ll find it again.

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rules & reminders

chase dreams, not people
catch flights, not feelings
never fall in love with someone’s potential
write for yourself instead of an audience
remember that you have love in your life, always
read poetry
have adventures
be honest, brave, kind
find what your heart and mind really need, and forget the rest
you are okay on your own; you are not alone
you’ll never leave where you are until you decide where you’d rather be
words are an art form, and art is a way of survival
stop fighting for those who aren’t worried about losing you
if a writer falls in love with you, you can never die
once you care, you’re fucked
feelings are a lot of work
when you feel it in your bones, move forward or move on
people go, but how they left always stays
our bodies are our business, no one else’s
everything you are looking for is already within you
you are made of stars
focus on the wrong things and the wrong things will become everything
move slowly, but move
treat people who are important to you like they’re important to you
within reason, put yourself first
help someone’s soul heal
you can’t control love
understanding yourself is power
loving yourself is freedom
forgiving yourself is peace
don’t justify or make excuses for assholes or idiots
if someone really wants to talk to you, they will
if they really want to be with you, they will
if the effort isn’t in it, step away
you deserve happiness
and to an extent, happiness is a choice
choose happy when you can
and when you can’t, you are still enough
choose your life wisely
so that in ten, twenty, fifty years, you can look back and say
“I didn’t settle.”

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