breathe

“Come on skinny love just last the year
Pour a little salt we were never here”
— Birdy // Bon Iver, “Skinny Love”

Today was the most stressed out I’ve been in a long time. Packing is always stressful, but moving is… completely overwhelming. It feels like I just unpacked and shoved away everything, but that was over three months ago and I haven’t been home to notice the time flying by. Tomorrow I’ll drive the familiar two hour route from my hometown to my college town, a drive I also haven’t done in three months but still have memorized. I can visualize it; it’s actually beautiful, with the farmland and woods and hick towns rolling by. It’s a rather lonely route, but I enjoy it; it gives me a chance to think, and to belt out the lyrics to whatever tunes I happen to be in the mood for. Tomorrow though, I’ll be driving with a very chatty friend who I also haven’t seen in three months, so there won’t be much time for thinking (probably some singing though).

With her sweetened breath, and her tongue so mean
She’s the angel of small death and the codeine scene

Today I got the strongest urge to sell everything I own. Why do I have so many things, and why am I so attached to them, fearful of letting them go? I lived with so little while I was in Europe, and was completely fine. Life was more simple in so many ways while I was gone. I was content to wear the same clothes and shoes and makeup for months on end, yet when I’m home, I care about fashion, avoid re-wearing outfits and, apparently, enjoy owning an excess amount of shit. I mean stuff. But honestly, it’s ridiculous and I don’t need 99% of it. While I try to slim down my wardrobe and assortment of knick-knacks, I intend to keep this overwhelmed feeling in mind whenever I get the urge to buy something new. DON’T DO IT, HOE. (not slut-shaming myself)

With her straw-blonde hair, her arms hard and lean
She’s the angel of small death and the codeine scene

I honestly just needed to write tonight in order to decompress from my hectic day of packing, even if it’s about trivial matters. I saw two movies this weekend, the new Spider-Man and Dunkirk, both of which were excellent. Spider-Man was hilarious. Thomas Holland did a fabulous job playing a whiny, yet goodhearted, pubescent American teen—I was amazed by his accent in the film because it was SO convincing. Dunkirk was unlike any war film I’ve ever seen. The timing, the shallow character development, the constant switching of perspectives between air, land, and sea, front and home, and the focus on survival instinct contrasted with acts of bravery and selflessness all stood out to me. As an added bonus, my boy Harry did a fantastic job in his debut film. *snaps*

And everybody’s watching her
But she’s looking at you

A few days ago, after I took her out to lunch, my sister told me she felt fat. Fortunately, I was parked, because I think I might have abruptly slammed on the brakes should I have been driving. She’s ten years old, eleven in a month, and I was shocked. It’s starting younger and younger these days, the shame and self-distortion. And it saddens me beyond belief. I asked her what she meant, why she feels “fat,” and she explained that her stomach felt very full. So she was full, or bloated maybe. She assured me she knows she’s skinny (she is), but regardless, it disturbed me to hear the words uttered from her mouth. In the hours that followed, I made a connection: young girls probably start saying they feel fat after eating because their stomachs are full, perhaps causing them to protrude farther than they normally do, or during certain times of the month because they are bloated. They use the word “fat” because it’s so commonplace in society, and they are probably surrounded by women who use the word to describe similar conditions or feelings. Some might even be imitating their older peers, saying such things because they want to fit in. But as time goes on, the word develops an evermore negative connotation, and repeating it over and over when describing themselves leads to believing that they really are growing fat, rather than remembering or realizing what they first meant when they started using the word. In order to counter this misunderstanding, which can lead to numerous tragedies such as eating disorders, low self-esteem, and body image distortion, the dialogue surrounding food, health, and body image needs to change. I believe it’s important to explain to people, especially young girls, how their bodies work and why they might feel bigger after eating and why that’s perfectly normal and okay. I believe we should stop and have the difficult conversations, like that I had with my sister, and encourage people to use the right words to describe their feelings so that the development of guilt surrounding food and eating doesn’t perpetuate for generations.. I want us to teach young girls about their bodies and their minds so that they understand, respect, and love them.

“Pretty is not the rent you pay to exist in the world as a woman.”

I may come back to my thoughts regarding that last paragraph later, as I’m very passionate about it and feel I haven’t done the topic justice. But it’s nearly 1:30 am and I’ve got to be up at a decent hour to finish packing and load my car. (what. a. nightmare.) So on that rather depressing note, here are some (more) quotes.

If it doesn’t open, it’s not your door.

“The trick is to enjoy life. Don’t wish away your days, waiting for better ones ahead.”

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”

“Trust the wait. Embrace the uncertainty. Enjoy the beauty of becoming. When nothing is certain, anything is possible.”

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