flying

Does it feel, feel like you never gon’ find nothing better?
— Charlie Puth, “Does It Feel”

When I love a song, I love it. I listen to it on repeat, sometimes for hours, other times for days. Music has this beautiful way of painting pictures in my mind, scenes from daydreams that I can replay over and over or expand upon, depending on the lyrics, rhythm, and my mood. Poets do it too, paint pictures with words. I’d like to have that skill, one I believe is a magic of sorts. Words have an indescribable power.

As I was thinking about this on my flight yesterday (today?), I had a few semi-poetic thoughts myself.

1. From all I’ve read and seen of love, most lovers must be like clouds. They appear embracing and safe and lovely, but if you take a leap of faith (or foolishness), they won’t hold you up.
2. Soaring above the horizon of clouds, the setting sun looks like molten lava.
3. Sunrise turns the clouds into cotton candy: pink mist that gives me hope in this beautiful, twisted world. Then the cloud-mist changes, absorbing the sun’s rays until it’s an orange creamsicle. The pastel hues are gentle, like watercolors, and they soothe my exhaustion, lulling me into content as I stare out the airplane window for hours, watching the sky change.

Now I’m sure a writer could turn these observations into majestic prose, but I’m not a “real” writer and am too jet-lagged to bother with trying to be at the moment. Meanwhile, Iceland is EXPENSIVE. Which I knew, but I didn’t quite know it was $27-hamburger expensive. Needless to say, I’ll be consuming a steady diet of bread, peanut butter, and bananas for the remainder of my stay.

I recently read this quote on the back of On Booze, “a collection of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s best drinking stories” (I haven’t read it, so I can’t confirm or deny this claim), and thought it was perhaps the truest, most relatable quote I’ve read in my life:

“First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.”

Tell me about it, Fitz.

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unfiltered thoughts

thoughts:

I think I missed my Birkenstocks and my dog more than anything while I was away. Does that make me “basic” or just simple?
Buying a Kindle was the best purchase I’ve made in a long time. I don’t know exactly why I never gave it a chance before, but it’s completely changed reading for me, and therefore my life.
My mom wanted me to get checked after that night. I told her no, listed off a plausible reason why it wasn’t necessary. Maybe I just don’t want to know.
I’m torn between wanting stability and normalcy and nice things, and wanting adventure and uncertainty and spontaneity. I think the latter desire is winning out, and I’m glad for that.
I was overwhelmed and surprised by the support I received after my last post. What began as an angsty stream-of-consciousness exercise turned into an apparently admirable excerpt to many of the people, particularly adults, in my life (or rather, on my list of Facebook friends).
I’m going to try to stop picturing their faces, the ones of the boys I admire, or at least to picture them less. There’s no use obsessing over the idea of people and being in love. Someday I’ll find the real thing.
I am completely enraptured by Lorde’s new album, Melodrama. Merde, I connect so fiercely to all of her brilliant beats and lyrics.
I have a mystical fascination with the stars, the night sky. I don’t know much about astronomy, but constellations and the concepts of starlight and stardust frequently consume my thoughts.
I wish I could write the way great poets can. I’ve been told that I’m a good writer, but when I read the works of poets like Lang Leav, I can’t imagine being able to skillfully and creatively craft words and weave meaning into them so poetically. To convey so much in so little space, with so little ink—and yet evoke so much emotion in the writer and reader alike. Poets astound me.
I think the most important word in the female vocabulary is no. I think we should sit in front of our mirrors and practice saying it, see what it looks like rolling off our tongues. Taste it on our lips. Hear what it sounds like: power. We should practice until it comes out easily, naturally. So that when we need the word, out in the big wide world, we don’t hesitate or stumble over it or stifle it for the sake of others or because we are unsure how to use it.

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travel feels

“I hate the headlines and the weather
I’m 19 and I’m on fire
But when we’re dancing I’m alright
It’s just another graceless night”

“If they keep tellin’ me where to go
I’ll blow my brains out to the radio”

“Trying to find these perfect places
What the fuck are perfect places anyway?”
— Lorde, “Perfect Places”

“And now I can’t stop thinking that I can’t stop thinking
That I almost gave you everything
And now the whole thing’s finished and I can’t stop wishing
That I never gave you anything”
— Halsey, “100 Letters”

“You are seeing some of the ugliness in the world. If you want to see the world, there will be some of that. All who wander are likely to see some of this ugliness.”
— Mom

I think I’m in love with a boy who either has no idea or who doesn’t know what to do about it. I think I’m ready to go home, if only to drop off the enormous amount of stuff I’ve bought in the last five weeks. I think I love the people I meet whilst traveling more than the places I see. I think I’ve made at least two long-term friends and I hope we continue to keep in touch through silly group chats and actually visit each other like we’ve promised to. I think traveling is less glamorous than the people back home might guess, but the lessons I’ve learned are invaluable. I think my bank account balance is going to be much lower than I anticipated by the end of summer, and I think it will be worth every penny. I think I’m glad I didn’t hook up with that boy, even though I wanted to. I think I’m incredibly fortunate to have had my phone, cards, and cash returned to me, and I think the Norwegian girl who brought them back is an angel. I think the American girl from St. Louis who paid for my cab that night is the kind of woman I aspire to be, who we should all aspire to be. I think females need to look out for each other, because there are sinister people in this world and us girls, especially solo girls, are all we have. I think traveling alone is the most liberating thing I’ve ever done, and I’m glad my fear of loneliness hasn’t materialized. I think about how lucky I am to be traveling so much, so young, and that I will never see enough of this world. I think I’m living the dream, and I know other people believe I am too. I think traveling is extraordinary, but it feels strangely ordinary at the same time. I think maybe I was made to do this.

To “Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

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