Thoughts

1. It’s 2015. It’s hard to think that I made it to this milestone and they didn’t, my grandpa and Hattie. A new year, a new start, a new world is beginning and they won’t be here to see it.

2. I’m constantly afraid I’m going to forget their faces, that I’m going to lose them even though they’re already gone.

3. It was Hattie’s birthday yesterday. Next Wednesday is the anniversary of her death.

4. I was sitting in chemistry honors when I got the text. She died in her sleep.

5. I went to a playoff game the day of my grandfather’s death. It was Good Friday. The Lightning lost.

6. Grandpa died twice. Once on Thursday night; they restarted his heart. Again the next morning; they let him fade.

7. Cancer killed them both.

8. I was sad, but life kept going.

9. I hit a curb – hard – the day after Grandpa passed. I was listening to Jesus music and crying and the street was dark and the curb was big. It cost me my entire life savings to repair.

10. My 16th birthday party was exactly one month after Hattie’s death. February 7th, 2014.

11. Dad changed after Grandpa died. He says he did. He tries to act like he did. But I don’t believe him; it’s all a ruse because really now he’s just desperate for life for the first time in decades.

12. We don’t keep in touch with Connie, Hattie’s daughter. She sends letters, birthday cards, occasionally calls. We’ve reciprocated once or twice, maybe thrice. It makes me feel sad/bad/guilty but I’m always so “busy” that I don’t want to have an hour long phone conversation with someone whose life makes my insides curl up.

13. Hattie was Catholic. Grandpa was an Evangelical pastor.

14. I don’t know what I am.

15. It’s 2015 and I still don’t know.

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