I am paralyzed
Fearful of making the wrong
Choices and regret.


Fall Playlist

August-November, 2017

“Red Light Spells Danger” – Billy Ocean
“Go F**k Yourself” – Two Feet
“Moonshine Got Me” – Daniel Norgren
“French Kiss” – Black M
“Smells Like Teen Spirit” – Nirvana
“Rockstar 101 (feat. Slash)” – Rihanna
“Rude Boy” – Rihanna
“Russian Roulette” – Rihanna
“What Ifs (feat. Lauren Alaina)” – Kane Brown
“Back to You (feat. Bebe Rexha & Digital Farm Animals)” – Louis Tomlinson
“Reminding Me (feat. Vanessa Hudgens)” – Shawn Hook
“Bonfire” – Childish Gambino
“Stayin’ Alive” – Bee Gees
“Sure Be Cool If You Did” – Blake Shelton
“I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” – Aerosmith
“Glorious (feat. Skylar Grey)” – Macklemore
“Woman (feat. The Dap-Kings Horns)” – Kesha
“I’m A Mess” – Ed Sheeran
“Ends of the Earth” – Lord Huron
“Love Like Ghosts” – Lord Huron
“Meet Me in the Woods” – Lord Huron
“The Yawning Grave” – Lord Huron
“Way Out There” – Lord Huron
“The Night We Met” – Lord Huron
“Jordan Belfort” – Wes Walker & Dyl
“Friends” – Justin Bieber & BloodPop
“Let’s Eat (feat. XP)” – Macklemore & Ryan Lewis
“Retro (ROUGH)” – Childish Gambino
“Wait on Me” – Rixton
“Unforgettable (feat. Swae Lee)” – French Montana
“Rollin (feat. Future & Khalid)” – Calvin Harris
“I Found You” – The Wanted
American Teen – Khalid
“Happier” – Ed Sheeran
“New Man” – Ed Sheeran
“Nancy Mulligan” – Ed Sheeran
“Bad at Love” – Halsey
“My Type (feat. Emily Warren)” – The Chainsmokers
“No Hands (feat. Roscoe Dash & Wale)” – Waka Flocka Flame
“The Nights” – Avicii
“Dusk Till Dawn (feat. Sia)” – ZAYN
“New Rules” – Dua Lipa
“Find You” – Nick Jonas
“With Two Hands” – The Romantic Era
“rockstar (feat. 21 Savage)” – Post Malone
“Havana (feat. Young Thug)” – Camila Cabello
“24K Magic” – Bruno Mars
“Girl Crush” cover – Harry Styles
“Girl Crush” – Little Big Town
“The Chain” – Fleetwood Mac
“Body Moves” – DNCE
“Bacon (feat. Ty Dolla $ign)” – Nick Jonas
“Drown the Lovers (feat. 6LACK)” – R I T U A L
“Take Back Home Girl (feat. Tori Kelly)” – Chris Lane
“Heaven” – Kane Brown
“There Will Be Time” – Mumford & Sons & Baaba Maal
“Fool You’ve Landed” – Mumford & Sons & Baaba Maal
“Man Enough Now” – Chris Bandi
Gossip Columns – Marc E. Bassy
“Hey Ya! (Radio Mix/Club Mix)” – Outkast
Younger Now – Miley Cyrus
“Too Good at Goodbyes” – Sam Smith
Stoney – Post Malone
“Just Like You” – Louis Tomlinson
“Goodpain” – Yoke Lore
“Born to Beg” – The National
“You Would Have to Lose Your Mind” – The Barr Brothers
“Sum” – Lonely Dear
“Chateau” – Angus & Julia Stone
“Dive” – Tim Atlas
“Paola” – Shout Out Louds
“Super Natural” – Turnover
“Motion Sickness” – Phoebe Bridgers
“Hawaiin License Plates.” – Jaws of Love
Flicker – Niall Horan
“Bedroom Floor” – Liam Payne
“Godzilla” – Blue Oyster Cult
“Thunder” – Imagine Dragons
“Let Me Go (feat. Florida Georgia Line & watt)” – Hailee Steinfeld & Alesso
“Scared to Be Lonely” – Martin Garrix & Dua Lipa
“Sorry Not Sorry” – Demi Lovato
“Wolves” – Selena Gomez & Marshmello
“Silence (feat. Khalid)” – Marshmello
“Move Your Body (Single Mix)” –  Sia
“Start a Riot” –  BANNERS
“Six Feet Under” – The Weeknd
“October” – Broken Bells
“It’s That Talk Again” – Broken Bells
“Old Pine” – Ben Howard
reputation – Taylor Swift
“Torches” – X Ambassadors
“Golden Slumbers” – The Beatles
“Carry That Weight” – The Beatles
“The End” – The Beatles
Broken Machine – Nothing But Thieves
“All I Wanted” – Daughter
“Twenty Two Fourteen” – The Album Leaf
“Taro” – alt-J
“Lazy Projector” – Andrew Bird
“Oats in the Water” – Ben Howard
“I’m a Fool to Want You” – Bob Dylan
“A Fond Farewell” – Elliott Smith
“Bandages” – Hey Rosetta!
“Early In the Morning, I’ll Come Calling” – James Vincent McMorrow
“Hello, Dolly!” – Louis Armstrong
“Brother” – Matt Corby
“Black” – Pearl Jam
“Good Morning Mr. Wolf” – Patrick Watson
“California Girl” – Philippe B
“Burn the Witch” – Radiohead
“Love is All” – The Tallest Man On Earth
“As Long As We Try a Little” – Thus Owls


i am a searcher

“I am one of the searchers. There are, I believe, millions of us. We are not unhappy, but neither are we really content. We continue to explore life, hoping to uncover its ultimate secret. We continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand. We like to walk along the beach, we are drawn by the ocean, taken by its power, its unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty. We like forests and mountains, deserts and hidden rivers, and the lonely cities as well. Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as is our laughter. To share our sadness with one we love is perhaps as great a joy as we can know – unless it be to share our laughter.

We searchers are ambitious only for life itself, for everything beautiful it can provide. Most of all we love and want to be loved. We want to live in a relationship that will not impede our wandering, nor prevent our search, nor lock us in prison walls; that will take us for what little we have to give. We do not want to prove ourselves to another or compete for love.

For wanderers, dreamers, and lovers, for lonely men and women who dare to ask of life everything good and beautiful. It is for those who are too gentle to live among wolves.”
– James Kavanaugh, There Are Men Too Gentle to Live Among Wolves


“Wanna know the fucking truth? Nobody is fucking happy. Nobody has skin made from oil paint and sunlight. Nobody fucking understands this world. Fuck, nobody probably understands math as much as they claim. You’re here one day and the next you’re not. God? Religion? I’ve learned a lot more about the world by eating acid and swallowing pills. Tell me what your church has done for you. Tell me if you have holes in your mouth from speaking lies. Wanna know the fucking truth? Pity is just another word for pathetic. Drink beer and watch the sunrise from every rooftop. Take photographs naked. Take photographs kissing. Take photographs having sex. Stop making everything about sexuality. Wanna know the fucking truth? Nobody really gives a damn if you lost your virginity at fourteen or if you were the president in high school. Wanna know the fucking truth? There is no such thing as the right person. People leave. They change like ocean currents, they leave you with bruises in your calves. And you wanna know the fucking truth? You get better. You learn to love. You find God in between the cracks of a wall when you’re puking your limbs out. You wanna know the fucking truth? Go find it.”

–– a rather callous Tumblr post; its strength hit me nonetheless




I finished my favorite book for what seems like the twelfth time last night. I brought it back to school with me after going home this weekend, not even realizing how badly I needed to re-read it. Every time I read it, I’m reminded that I’m strong and deserving of so much more than I sometimes settle for.

It’s been awhile since I’ve seen a sky this clear: the brightest shade of blue and not a cloud in sight.

I’d rather be hurt than hurt someone else, and I think that’s part of the problem.

I’m ready to focus on myself for awhile. To not give pieces of myself away too quickly or easily. To read, plan my trip, watch hockey, laugh with the people who matter.

The crispness in the unusually cool air reminds me what it feels like to be awake. I dread the day I’ll wake up and it’ll be in the eighties again, because I don’t want to forget what it means to be alive and thriving.

Cooler weather always reminds me of the wild. Pine trees on a mountainside. A rushing river; a still lake. And wolves, running –– always running.


“October is about trees revealing colors they’ve hidden all year. People have an October as well.”

“Please don’t expect me to always be good and kind and loving. There are times when I will be cold and thoughtless and hard to understand.” {Sylvia Plath}

“‘No’ might make them angry, but it will make you free.” {your freedom is more important than their anger}

“Real love doesn’t meet you at your best. It meets you in your mess.” {J.S. Park}


In your eyes there’s a heavy blue
One to love and one to lose
Sweet divide, a heavy truth
Water or wine, don’t make me choose
I wanna feel the way that we did that summer night
Drunk on a feeling, alone with the stars in the sky
I’ve been running through the jungle
I’ve been running with the wolves
To get to you, to get to you
I’ve been down the darkest alleys
Saw the dark side of the moon
To get to you, to get to you
I’ve looked for love in every stranger
Took too much to ease the anger
All for you, yeah all for you
{Selena Gomez & Marshmello, “Wolves”}

And I wonder why, wonder what for
Why we keep coming back for more
Is it just our bodies? Are we both losing our minds?
Is the only reason you’re holding me tonight
‘Cause we’re scared to be lonely?
Do we need somebody just to feel like we’re alright?
Is the only reason you’re holding me tonight
‘Cause we’re scared to be lonely?
{Martin Garrix & Dua Lipa, “Scared to be Lonely}

She’s out of her mind
And wraps herself around the truth
Yeah, she loves when everybody’s watching
She knows the way her body moves
She loves the way they all crawl back when she says
That she loves nobody else but you
She’s on the loose
{Niall Horan, “On the Loose”}

Everybody’s got somebody
I just wanna be alone
Well, I don’t need no one
Have too much fun
Out here on my own
I’ll drink ’til it’s empty
Stay out ’til it’s dead
I’ll wake up at midday
And marry my bed
I’ll kiss all the women
Get punched in the head
You could offer the world, baby
But I’ll take this instead, yeah
{Niall Horan, “On My Own”}

I’ve been hoping somebody loves you in the ways I couldn’t
Somebody’s taking care of all of the mess I’ve made
Someone you don’t have to change
I’ve been hoping
Someone will love you, let me go
{Hailee Steinfeld & Ales, “Let Me Go (feat. Florida Georgia Line & watt)”}

Just a young gun with a quick fuse
I was uptight, wanna let loose
I was dreaming of bigger things
And wanna leave my old life behind
Not a yes sir, not a follower
Fit the box, fit the mold
Have a seat in the foyer, take a number
I was lightning before the thunder
They say you’re basic, they say you’re easy
{Imagine Dragons, “Thunder”}

Loosen up and lose your mind
You never know what you could find on the other side
Oh oh, I’m dreaming up a world with you
Oh oh, and all the things that we could do
Loosen up and lose your mind
You never know what you could find on the other side
All of the things that made you feel better
You should take a pen and write it down and make it feel better
All of the things that made you feel better
You should write it all down and put it in a letter
{The Barr Brothers, “You Would Have to Lose Your Mind”}

Yeah, I’d rather be a lover than a fighter
‘Cause all my life, I’ve been fighting
Love only left me alone
But I’m at one with the silence
I found peace in your violence
Can’t tell me there’s no point in trying
I’m at one, and I’ve been quiet for too long
I think too much, and I hate it
Loving never gave me a home, so I’ll sit here in the silence
{Marshmello, “Silence (feat. Khalid)”}